Monday, July 28, 2008

Things I need to write about

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint.

In meeting this piece of scripture came forward and the poetic structure was pointed out. That usually it would be I can walk, I can run, I can fly. But here it begins with flight and works its way back to the mundane.

I struggle with depression. And I'm tired of that, but there it is. And while I can fly and I can run, it is the walking that causes me troubles. The walking, the opening of mail, the answering the phone, the doing of dishes and laundry and weeding the garden. These are the tasks that truly terrify.

But I can write a novel. I can produce vast quantities of knitted garments. I can build a cedar bench from scratch. I can make lip balm and soap and watermelon rind pickles. I can sew new curtains for the boys' room and quilts for my mother-in-law and skirts for myself. I can play trumpet with a big band. I can hold three jobs and parent two children and two cats.

But all my fish have died. Fish are quiet. They are easy. They are the walking part of my life. The health of the aquarium is an unfortunate metaphor for my state of mind.

In meeting I felt hopeful and nervous because I feel my strength returning to me. I fell ME returning to me and I feel that I may once more be able to accomplish the mundane.

I opened my small bible to a random page and found a Psalms 38:17

For I am ready to fall and my pain is ever before me.

I often feel that I am falling, but I rarely feel ready to fall.

I thought about what it would take to be ready to fall. Faith growing within myself. Faith in me, faith in my family, faith in my religious community. Faith that if I were to fall they would catch me.

Then I flashed on an absurd image of me body-surfing through the meeting.

Growing up one of my dad's favorite sayings was, "If you aren't falling down, you aren't learning anything."

I am ready to fall.


Blogger Susan Holtz said...

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10:19 PM  

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